Thoughts from Less( not for the easily offended)

I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at
the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”

His buddy says , “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the
time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day,​I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (in his seventies), sitting a couple of stools down,
also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and
with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit."

+++===
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a HUGE, hairy armpit, as she pointed to
all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man among ye hare will
buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

Down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on
the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

Seamus, the bartender, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady
a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

Seamus approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if
you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

Paddy replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!

+++===
Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man: "Honesty!"
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."

+++===
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim girl with the most amazingly
coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.

"Where did you get that from?" I asked.

"Germany. There's fucking thousands of 'em!" said the parrot.

+++===
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see
100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question
each.

Barak goes first.

“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a
printout, he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is
non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no
worries”

David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he
asks:

“What will England be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”

David replies,

“Buggered if I know! It's not in English!”

Not from less, he's busy

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
George Burns

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step; he's too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal

How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.
Erma Bombeck

Looking 50 is great if you're 60.
Joan Rivers

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
Kurt Vonnegut

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns

There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.
John Mortimer

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.
Bob Hope

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
Erma Bombeck

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type.
Bob Hope

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
Jerry Seinfeld

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
Jerry M. Wright

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
George Burns

It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
Rita Rudner

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Author Unknown

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
George Burns

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.. .1 want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Andy Rooney

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.
Will Rogers

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
P.G. Wodehouse

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner

At my age, flowers scare me.
George Burns

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green s."
Claude Pepper

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope

For older people



For we older people (and for those who are not older)
ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA ? ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING ? REALLY NO!!

ONE
Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
(And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour?)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left.)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.
(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
A Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!

1 Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
11. You can't remember who sent you this list.


How am I supposed to forward this shit?
Never mind.

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd
each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat
out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly
drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother . "Grandma," he
asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me
father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled eyes and said,

"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in
December
when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fekin idiot!"

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr.
Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she
decided to contact Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and
say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she
grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little
rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes,
and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Are you a patient of Dr.
Bumbutu's?'

'Yes, I am. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock' ....

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?"

The boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him insulting names. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the boy nodded yes.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach dumb, or stupid, or worse, is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother."

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats and appear naked to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the lady of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

"Well, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.
__________________

While in China , an Australian man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.


A week after arriving back home in Melbourne , he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.


Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.


The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,

"I' ve got bad news, you have

contracted Mongolian VD. It 's very rare and almost unheard of here in this country, we know very little about it. "

The man looks a little perplexed and says,

"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."


The doctor answers,

"I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We a re going to have to amputate your penis."


The man screams in horror,

"Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!! "


The doctor replies,

" it is your choice. Go ahead if you want , but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor in Little Bourke Street, figuring that he' ll know more about the disease.


The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,

"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor,

"Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My local GP wants to cut off my penis!"


The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.

"Stupid local docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"


"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Fall off by itself!"[/QUOTE]

These are great