Thoughts from Less( not for the easily offended)

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

A few more random thoughts...a little deeper than usual.

* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills
for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* The letter W, in English, is called double U. Shouldn't it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

* The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

* 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today every-
one has cars and only the rich own horses.

* Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

* The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are
probably dead.

* If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each
of them.

* Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

* If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".
(Save this until 2022 – because it does fall on a Tuesday)

- Woman takes her pet duck to the vet and gets some terrible news -

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$550!” she cried, “$550 just to tell me my duck is dead?!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $550.”

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a
confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would
shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back
and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then
one evening, he died when he was 98.

After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you
afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt
you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he
won't ask for directions."

2nd one is a classic


On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. On Halloween day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

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Saint Peter at the Gate

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. Finally, I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.


The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Here is a little known fact about golf balls...

According to Golf World magazine, the average golfer loses two golf balls
per round for a worldwide total of approximately 2,465,752 every day.
Worried about running out? Don't be. Companies like Titleist are working
hard to ensure that never happens. Titleist makes 1.2 million golf balls
each day.

And one more important point to consider...

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls. A recent study
found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found
golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. You're like.... a hybrid!

Me no got time to read all dis.

Remember the proverb, “Don't Get Old." ? Well this may help you.

Scotch with two drops of water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of
water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I'm on this cruise to
celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.”
The bartender says, “Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In
fact, this one is on me.”
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like
to buy you a drink too.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops
of water.”
“Coming up.” says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink the man to her left says, “I would also like to buy
you one.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two
drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says, “Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the
Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor. But holding your water, now that’s become quite a
problem.”

'OLD' IS WHEN....Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and
you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN....Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN....A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN....Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN....You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by
the police

'OLD' IS WHEN....’Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any
fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN....An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND 'OLD' IS WHEN....You are not sure these are jokes.

Remember to always smile, it makes people wonder what you’ve been up to!

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to
rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why
would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to
Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply, "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So,
where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying
to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of
yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped
us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the
hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now
it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and
wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later,
the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he
spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"