Thoughts from Less( not for the easily offended)

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly
packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.


On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.



On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put
on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound
of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water,
3 cans of sardines.


When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and
deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and
some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with
her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.


Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the
place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets
were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were
brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the
two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even
paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.


Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.


Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors
refused to return their calls.


Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to
borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new
place.


Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were
going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He
listened politely and said that he missed his old home
terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce
settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the
smell really was, she agreed on a price
that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ...
but only if he would sign the papers that very day.


He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed
paperwork.
A week late the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home
and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he
took himself to the doctor.

He said, "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and
my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and
keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue
depressors and formed a neat 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an
impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their
honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful
breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ..... "Look at this, still in the CRATE!"

Another one from Les

usiness. This FAT ugly
chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you're over seventy.............who cares?

**********

I went to the Chemist (pharmacist) and asked the lady assistant "Give me
three packets of condoms, please."

Assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

I said "Nah.. She's pretty good looking'....."

When you're over seventy.............who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman in the pub last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd
look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you're over seventy..............who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman
was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

When you're over seventy..............who cares?

*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell off the 3 metre board.

When you're over seventy................who cares?

**********

I went to our pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but....

When you're over seventy.............who cares?

**********

"Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not years, and remember we do not quit playing because we grow old.... we
grow old because we quit playing."