On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week late the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods.
A warning tale - you may sometimes get confused...
This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed. He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"
He replied, "Don't worry Honey, I'd stay faithful."
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said, "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies, ..... "Look at this, still in the CRATE!"
> > What do you call a man with half a brain? > > Gifted.
> > What's the difference between government bonds and men? > > Bonds Mature.
> > What is the difference between a man and a catfish? > > One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a > > fish.
> > What did God say after creating man? > > I can do better.
> > Husband: Want a quickie? > > Wife: As opposed to what?
> > What do you call an intelligent man in America? > > A tourist.
> > Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, > > caring, and good-looking? > > Because they already have boyfriends.
> > Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the > > Olympics? > > He had it bronzed.
> > What is gross stupidity? > > 144 men in one room.
> > Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to > > put in it? > > Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
I'm not sure if the below is funny or not but it is highly relatable to me.
Husband’s call to his wife:
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."