Thoughts from Less( not for the easily offended)

Whatever you do don't tell your wife this one

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

So I bought her a bathroom scale.

If ever you need an example of motivation, here it is:

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'

Then I thought...

Fuck - I could win this!'

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to happy valley.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entrée.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results: If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man. If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused. If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

NOTE: In the wake of the latest revelations of the common sexual practices of the Hollywood elite Ala Harvey Weinsteen this test will soon be removed as part of the standard entertainment industry job application.

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year in the States, but not to
cause any trouble, shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards
the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car..

♦ I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so
polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that women, who carry a little extra weight, live
longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and
wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to
fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's
your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and
throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about
that.

♦ I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on
her computer. I know because I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of
payments.

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about
the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

Default What is celibacy?
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the
instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.

“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-
Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

Return of the Redheads...

Well... It's been a bit quiet around here. Remember a Blonde can
only take you so far. A Brunette can take you far further than you ever
imagined possible. But only a Redhead can take you to Heaven and Hell.
Simultaneously!

Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something

Q: How do you get a redhead's mood to change? A: Wait 10 seconds

If you love a Redhead, set her free.....if she follows you everywhere you
go, if she pitches a tent in your front lawn, and if she puts your new
girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.

Q: What's safer: a redhead or a piranha?
A: The piranha. They only attack in schools.

Q: How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
A: She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.

Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A: Normal

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A redhead!

Q: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A: There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.

And now, for those who share their life with such a volatile
bundle of contradictions here is the simplified manual...

Guidance on the care and feeding of your Redhead:

Simple: Take care when feeding them. Most redheads have sharp
teeth. Some are even pointed.

And always remember, only two things are necessary to keep a
redhead happy.
1) Let her *think* she is having her own way.
2) Let her have her own way.
__________________

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I
need a favor - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in temple
for an hour after services for me?"

Irving, not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he
reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts
of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.

After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving what
are you really up to with all this?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi "I'm
sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked
me to keep you occupied."

The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder,
said, "Irving I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago!"

THE LONG RED LIGHT…

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.



An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and then took off before the light changed.



Out of nowhere, an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.



For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"



So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver!