Vent Thread

LT - The trauma introduced by our emotional responses to betrayal absolutely sucks balls if I can be so crass and will take time to recover from.  It's worse than grief or unrequited feeling in my opinion because it involves a violation of trust and someone else stealing something that we valued  without our permission in the process. 

The important thing is you don't suck as a human being because you feel like trash. 
 
You have been rejected(we are hardwired to desire to belong)
The rejection has happened in a most cruel way through betrayal(Someone that you trusted and felt secure around Turned on you Back stabbed you). Back stabbed is substantially worse than a stranger turning on you because you're not personally invested with the stranger, you haven't invested part of yourself in a stranger but you have in a friendship. Violation of trust sucks.   
Betrayal is personal. You understand that the other person did not value you or the relationship but even if you have enough self esteem to understand it's not your fault, there'll be a sense that your instincts failed you and allowed the betrayal to occur in the first place, you may start to question your ability to trust.. You will feel vulnerable and less of a person. These experiences are seriously esteem shattering. 

In your case, you don't know why and you desperately want to. There's an instinctive emotional need to understand what went wrong for future self preservation and security. On some level too your hope is that if you can rationalise and provide reason, it will hurt less. Your brain will spin cycles trying to rationalise the unknowable. Accepting some things are, what they are is pretty difficult for over thinkers.   
 
There's probably a sense of grief and loss in realising that something you valued is gone forever plus a sense of powerlessness over the whole scenario too.

Now the whole conundrum is that the stuff that makes you a good and decent human being, is also the stuff which allows us to hurt so deeply. 

I've only ever felt something similar once that I know of but I wouldn't necessarily say I was back stabbed. Still it was really hard and I felt betrayed and rejected. 

I spent a few years in various MMOs and became emotionally invested in a relationship which spanned three MMOs and a couple of years. Met in LOTRO, played it to death, we built a two person guild in SWOTOR and spent some time together in PWI. Although we didn't always adventure together, she'd say hello when I jumped in and we'd help out each other if needed. She was almost one of those semi retired social mis fits who spent way too much time playing video games than was healthy. We conversed via in game msging pretty much every day for years and communicated via email also, when certain things couldn't be done in in game chat.  English wasn't her first language so she never or very rarely mic'd up which was fine, since her written English was amazing, that didn't matter.  We were end game grinding for a while. Over the years we had shared quite a bit about ourselves. One day, I logged in for my normal few hours or so but she'd kicked me out of one guild and left the other guild and had blocked all communication.  All I could think was, what did I do, what did I say, why is she ignoring me?. What's the problem here?. I'm sure she had her reasons.

I was confused for a while and while she never said anything, she spent longer in games than I did so I put it down to me being unable to provide the time commitment but didn't know how to tell me so it was easier to sever communications. . I have long since come to terms and accepted but it changed me and these days, I don't have friends. There are people i'm friendly with and joke and laugh with people but I no longer hang out with mates.
I'm a hermit.  
Apart from my Wife - she's worth every moment of my time.  






  

Oops, I read "turn on you" as meaning betrayed/stabbed in the back.  Ongoing stress, worry and suspicion that you are being rejected may as well be outright rejection. Trust that it's not knowing if something is wrong that's gnawing at you, ask the question, noted behaviour change, is everything OK and if not, did they want to talk about it?
 
I saw a "friend" who enjoyed the intimacy of one to one conversation with a person, could talk about stuff easily but couldn't enjoy the person's company with others and was sad/disappointed when that person wasn't available or choosing to spend time with other people....This umm friend was a bit possessive, one might say but not openly so anyway I figured out what was going on and stopped obsessing. No idea why I said that but attention Deficit is difficult to control.... 

 What's bothering you doesn't sound like over trusting, it's not trusting. Not trusting in the value of your candid self. You seem afraid that you'll offend someone by being yourself, you apologise in advance and regret in hindsight and that is evidence to me that you don't trust people to see your value, it's like you're testing the water a lot. You've probably been hurt and insecure and somehow been lead to believe it's all your fault.  
Openness and candidness while might lead to revealing vulnerabilities through over sharing might allow yourself to be taken advantage of by the unscrupulous but more likely will create security with relationships. No eggshells, no hidden agenda, no needing to read between the lines - what do you really mean. 
 
 Ask yourself why you spend time regretting and apologising in advance and it's not trusting in your worth or other people to choose to be offended or not.  In your case, your natural instinct to care and be kind will overshadow anything which might be misconstrued as offensive. 

We all have self doubt.
In my case, I'm an acquired taste or rather, I'm generally likable in small doses and then it's, does he have an off switch?.  I overthink the crap out of pretty much everything and I'm a bit of a basket case and I accept that some  find me difficult to associate with. I'm like a running monologue of random which never shuts down with a tendancy to be over dramatic and switch subjects at the drop of a hat. I have some endearing qualities though, I love my wife and worry for my kids.   I learned to accept myself and trust myself and others to accept my intentions to be goodly ones....getting sidetracked a bit and this probably doesn't help anyone.   

Live in the moment - I recommend mindfulness which sounds like a bunch of hocus pocus mystical crap but it might be worthwhile. For me it helps me accept the things I can't change and let go of the worry regarding them while enjoying the empowerment of the things which I can that bring incredible value to the lives of the people around me and myself. It takes a while but, after a while, certain erroneous and negative thoughts can be let go of. 
 
A note on Cynicism and not caring, it's easier said than done. It's a state of mind.  When healthy. It won't gel with your actions, you're neither a cynic or uncaring.  It's not your nature. It's not mine either but when i've been unwell and struggling to live, I've gotten to that point because I'm worn out, beaten, it's too hard.  I, out of old habits think of it as my celibate state/relates to not giving a F, It's not a good look on me, i'll push people away in the most regrettable of ways and it's seriously self destructive because, I no longer give a F about consequences or living. 

Snore mentioned accepting the things that are beyond our means to control and owing the things which are. 
Don't fear rejection, fear being bothered that you feel you have already been rejected. It's not worth the anguish of self doubt.  You can't change either scenario but you can attempt to seek the truth and potentially feel a whole lot better. 

And crap i've done a text wall of next to uselessness ramble again lol....oh well, next to useless isn't entirely useless so I hope something in there helps because, well I care about people, have empathy, have possibly been in a similar place and feel for you.   
 
 
  



 

I realize this isn’t a serious life issue, but I need a vent anyway!

How fucking terrible is the moderation at the main forum? I got a strike on my account for “inciting unrest”, so I go and look at what I did...and it’s from a thread, 2 months old, about that trash equalizer.

What did I do that was so wrong? This was my post, word for word, that was apparently so terrible: “You’ve been missed, and you’re not at all wrong with that opinion”. Inciting unrest everybody!

Turbo came back and said he wasn’t in favor of the equalizer, I welcome him back and agree, and apparently that’s worth a strike 2 MONTHS after the fact?

I even filed a ticket and they said that was correct moderation lmao. Fuck WG, fuck their mods, and fuck their joke of an appeals process

I just don’t understand how they don’t understand what they’ve done over the years with being the most heavily moderated forum I’ve seen in my life is what’s made that place toxic

I don't know how I missed this. 
Childhood trauma like you describe sounds really tough. I don't know what the relationship with your parents is or was but parenting is stressful at times as you know and it's all too human to lash out at those who don't really deserve it, not necessarily understanding or realising the extent or consequence.  I've gained more than I've lost through my parenting but there's stuff there.

I don't know how one curbs self doubt. I have masses of it for different reasons but I suppose for me and many of us, we take the risk of engaging others. 
I wonder whether someone will misinterpret  my intention and fly off the deep end and it's part of the reason for my text walls.   I was not properly understood through schooling years and some of that had painful social consequences. The question for me is not will I be in trouble but will they understand what I write or misinterpret my intent and fly off the deep end and if they do, am I prepared to go down that road anyway? 

I have been privileged to experience the parents that I had growing up. I never felt unloved or unwanted, often felt misunderstood and due to brain chemistry, underachieved a lot and was punished to some degree for my school grades. My mother was a bit Neurotic, actually a lot neurotic and I was a pretty frustrating kid.  

Mostly, corporal punishment was relatively harmless clips around the ear for not sitting up straight at the dinner table or having elbows on the table or not paying attention to something or an offhand comment to mum. 
 
I was a creative, dishonest and sneaky kid though and sometimes just downright rotten. I didn't usually cop the belt, although the old man gave me a hiding and a black eye once. I was big enough to receive it from him at the time and I deserved it. 
Mum used to lose it with frustration which was half the time not really my fault and the wooden spoon would come out and she literally launched knives and forks at me in frustration since she used to think I was just being difficult to wind her up, no doubt as a kid at some stage I enjoyed a bit of drama at her expense and I'm sorry for that behaviour on my part, I think it's just what kids do but sometimes with my mum it was like eggshells and I'd cop it for things that I didn't really deserve. Mum misunderstood or mishear not her fault either.  Mostly though, i'd be punished for things I did deserve and the corporal stuff would come from the old man.
Dad came from victorian era parenting. He also learn't his trade in the military but oddly, wasn't a screamer or shouter or rager as I've known many military parents to be. The scariest thing for me was though if Dad got wind of poor behaviour. Mum didn't say things most of the time to him. 

Dad though, was very consistent, hard at times but very fair and led by example in so many ways. 

So mum would often threaten to tell Dad but rarely ever did. I'd never really know until it was too late and I'd stew on things for a couple of days, wondering if I was going to cop it from the old man. Dad, was the sort of bloke who would lull me into a false sense of "i've gotten away with it" He'd act like normal until he was ready to discipline and that could even be the next day or the day after and then it would start with a bit of a lecture which was calm and rational but usually started with a question surrounding the situation and then went on to lecture me about appropriate behaviour and action then he'd let me know that as much as he hated doing it,  I needed something to remind me to think twice next time and in an absolute flash gave that to me in no uncertain terms 

 The corporal punishment all really stopped by the time I was an early teenager or rather, I wasn't a seriously naughty kid anymore. I was mostly a good kid, got in quite a few scraps at school. 
One day, I was 13 or something when Dad gave me a lecture on work, effort and attitude which ended with I'm old enough and intelligent enough to not have to cop a hiding from the old man and if I hadn't learnt by now, it wouldn't do any good anyway.  I have no idea what I did, probably poor school report, disruptive, has ability but doesn't try was common teachers view but he told me that he knows I'm made of good stuff and he knows that I am capable but the decisions I was making and my attitude was going to cause me great suffering and he was saddened by that.  He didn't understand why I didn't seem to care enough to do better and felt that he'd failed me as a parent. 

The thing is my attention deficit disorder was starting to hurt my scholastic achievements, it got worse as the complexity of high school tertiary subjects kicked in because while I was intelligent enough to learn the concepts, I struggled with maintaining attention when trying to apply them. Has the ability but doesn't try sadly set me up for "what's the point in trying? and what is wrong with me?. Mum knew something was up. Mums are perceptive with some things. I never planned on killing myself but one day, I attempted suicide because I was too overwhelmed to process how to get down from the rather tall tree I had climbed, wanted to get down because I was cold and getting bitten by mozzies and frankly didn't care enough to self preserve. Some things one does only once - that was one of those things.

Emotionally and intellectually, i'm only slightly damaged, partially due to the hand of fate. My emotional scar is no matter how much effort I put in, it won't improve the result combined with my Dad telling me that he knows if I put more effort in, I'll get amazing results. 
The reality is, I will be misunderstood, people will fly off the deep end and the result won't be as intended a lot.
It doesn't stop me trying to communicate though sometimes, because connecting with people and being understood is absolutely amazing. Text walls are my thing... even though I know, they don't work very well,  most people will roll their eyes and think too many words, I'm not going to bother reading and wonder why I bother. I've tried to understand it properly myself but I don't really, It's like I'm trying to convince myself that the reader will get my point of view. It doesn't really help though.  Most of the time I don't bother, I write many many responses but only about half I actually get around to posting. Sad but true! I'm a slight basket case but somehow, I get by. 

I would expect that intellectually, you know you're a good sort but that probably doesn't translate too well emotionally. One thing knowing it but another thing feeling it. The human condition.....
    

Every day on the news currently, there's some statistic attributing deaths to COVID-19, at least in Australia.

I don't know the exact figures for death/cases ratio of other contagious viruses including Rhinoviruses,other COVI and influenza but the way things are reported, people see COVID-19 as the only cause of death and don't realise that complications from the common cold or influenza or a range of other things are killing people every day too. This one's like a supercold and it's likely we will contract it if this isolation can't kill it off but for the mass majority of us who might contract it, it's not likely to kill us any more than the flu.
This one is really infectious but it's not exactly killing people disproportionately to other viruses cases, especially those which impact respiratory system so stop reporting on deaths disproportionately to other virus cases.

Everything is fine

With In laws, it never ends. Ever.

Compared to the problems the world now faces, this is...minor, but at the same time this has left me in a state of shock.

I was happily cooking sausage rolls for the whole family, my sisters and parents were playing games while I was practicing Japanese and then sometimes happened which to this point I'm still trying to process.

My mum just spontaneously packed her bag and split up with my dad because apparently she found someone else on Facebook. No warning was given the day before even, no time to say any goodbyes or nothing, she just practically moved out.

And you know, that cuts deep. Because it's as though she never gave any thought to us before making that decision, and it's likely that me, my dad and sisters will be permanently affected by this.

I knew their relationship wasn't great but...why? My dad isn't a bad guy despite his flaws. We all have flaws.

This is likely going to affect me for a long time, so if I don't seem as sunny, please don't pass judgement.